I still believe
Many of you know that my Granddaddy passed away at the end of May this year. To say that he was the stronghold of our family would be an understatement. Everything that my family stands for and has become is because of him. He is our backbone.
When he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April, it was such a shock to our family. We have never really had any serious illness within our family, and when such a serious cancer struck such a crucial part of us, we were all in disbelief. But we were still hopeful.
From the beginning, my Granddaddy had such a strong attitude. He was ready and willing to fight this disease. Looking back now, I think he did this more for our sake than for his own. He signed up for a clinical study on pancreatic cancer, and numerous times he said, "Maybe through me being in this study, they will be able to help someone else later on." While we admired his attitude and spirit, obviously we wanted HIM to benefit from the study. We wanted HIM to be healed from this disease.
Over the next several weeks, he underwent numerous surgeries (I believe it was 6 or 7), and his last surgery was to put the port in for his chemo treatments that he would start that next week. Little did we know what that week would bring.
When he was initially diagnosed, we were told that normally people live 3-5 years with this cancer. That's what we were expecting, hoping, and praying for. Years. Not days.
While he was at the cancer center awaiting his first chemo treatment, my Granddaddy suffered a heart attack. And after so many other events, my Granddaddy was unresponsive and placed on a ventilator.
My mom, Lola, and I got on the next flight from Peoria to Dallas, and we were thankfully able to get there to see him.
The next day, my family gathered at the hospital as we took my Granddaddy off of the ventilator. We surrounded my Granddaddy in his last moments on earth, and we sang. We sang words like, "You never let go," "Oh Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight," and "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow." In such a time of brokenness, we tried to sing songs of hope. Because despite THIS circumstance, despite THIS situation that we were in, God was still in control. God IS still in control.
The next few days were definitely a blur. There were so many things to be done and arrangements to be made. I don't really know if the weight of everything truly set in until I was back home in Illinois.
After my Granddaddy was diagnosed with the cancer, I would pray for him while I was up late at night feeding Lola. Praying for strength, courage, and selfishly for healing. After I got home and he was gone, I didn't know what to pray for late at night anymore. I had no words to express what I was feeling. I was hurt. And I still hurt.
But never once since all this began have I ever doubted that God is God. That He is in control. That He works all things together for the good of those who love him. I still believe that all of that is true with all my heart.
When he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April, it was such a shock to our family. We have never really had any serious illness within our family, and when such a serious cancer struck such a crucial part of us, we were all in disbelief. But we were still hopeful.
From the beginning, my Granddaddy had such a strong attitude. He was ready and willing to fight this disease. Looking back now, I think he did this more for our sake than for his own. He signed up for a clinical study on pancreatic cancer, and numerous times he said, "Maybe through me being in this study, they will be able to help someone else later on." While we admired his attitude and spirit, obviously we wanted HIM to benefit from the study. We wanted HIM to be healed from this disease.
Over the next several weeks, he underwent numerous surgeries (I believe it was 6 or 7), and his last surgery was to put the port in for his chemo treatments that he would start that next week. Little did we know what that week would bring.
When he was initially diagnosed, we were told that normally people live 3-5 years with this cancer. That's what we were expecting, hoping, and praying for. Years. Not days.
While he was at the cancer center awaiting his first chemo treatment, my Granddaddy suffered a heart attack. And after so many other events, my Granddaddy was unresponsive and placed on a ventilator.
My mom, Lola, and I got on the next flight from Peoria to Dallas, and we were thankfully able to get there to see him.
The next day, my family gathered at the hospital as we took my Granddaddy off of the ventilator. We surrounded my Granddaddy in his last moments on earth, and we sang. We sang words like, "You never let go," "Oh Lord haste the day when my faith shall be sight," and "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow." In such a time of brokenness, we tried to sing songs of hope. Because despite THIS circumstance, despite THIS situation that we were in, God was still in control. God IS still in control.
The next few days were definitely a blur. There were so many things to be done and arrangements to be made. I don't really know if the weight of everything truly set in until I was back home in Illinois.
After my Granddaddy was diagnosed with the cancer, I would pray for him while I was up late at night feeding Lola. Praying for strength, courage, and selfishly for healing. After I got home and he was gone, I didn't know what to pray for late at night anymore. I had no words to express what I was feeling. I was hurt. And I still hurt.
But never once since all this began have I ever doubted that God is God. That He is in control. That He works all things together for the good of those who love him. I still believe that all of that is true with all my heart.
Do I believe that God gave my Granddaddy cancer?
Absolutely not. I believe that was Satan.
Do I believe Satan did this as an attack on our family and faith?
Absolutely.
Did he win?
No.
I still believe. My family still believes. We believe in God's faithfulness, goodness, mercy, and grace. Because even though our world was shaken, God's was not. He is still on His throne. Praise Him!
Oh, Lindsay, this is such a heavy post but you absolutely have the right attitude and outlook, and are so strong for sharing. Your Granddaddy I'm sure is so proud! Remember: God answers bold prayers, and I believe He answered your prayers for strength and courage! And in a sense, He DID heal your Granddaddy, by restoring him in heaven! Thank you for sharing this, and I will be praying for your heart to heal. <3
ReplyDeleteThank you Sarah! :) We are so thankful that God has healed my Granddaddy, and we just can't wait to fully see it someday.
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