It's not all black and white

I think I've always been a rule follower.

I can even remember the first time that I received a "conduct mark" in elementary school. I was in the 6th grade and I got in trouble for talking. I was tying my shoe, and to this day I can still vividly remember what that shoe looked like. I know it's strange that I remember so many details about that experience which probably lasted only a minute, but it's because that went against what I do in life.

I follow the rules.

I buckle my seat belt, even if I'm just moving my car in the driveway. I cook my meals exactly the amount of time that is listed on the recipe. Not a minute more, not a minute less. I will not cross the street until I see that little man light up. I can't even walk out the wrong door in Walmart. That drives my husband CRAZY! He doesn't understand it, but there is seriously something inside of me that makes me want to follow the rules. It's safe. It's black and white. It's right and wrong. I like it.

For the most part, obeying rules and guidelines have been good to me. It's definitely kept me out of a lot of trouble. But on the other hand, I think it's ruined me.

When I look at my public life, I don't see a ton of issues. I don't mean to sound prideful by that, but a lot of "public sin," I don't necessarily struggle with. Because in my life of rules and regulations, I see it as "wrong." So I don't do it. This leads me to a point of complacency. Because I don't see a lot of "public sin" in my life, I think that I'm doing just fine. Because I'm not doing a ton "wrong."

But over the last month or so, the Lord has been working with me on that topic. Where my "public sin" may not be that great, my "internal sin" is overpowering. It's all consuming. But because people don't see it, I justify the sin.

Believe me, I have plenty of internal sins. I feel that almost every few days God reveals a new area of my life that is sinful. I won't go into my list on this post.
1. Because I'm embarrassed.
2. Becuase my hand would cramp from typing for so long.
But I will briefly go into the one that has been made the most obvious.

.fear.

I don't think that I truly lived my life in so much fear until I knew that I was pregnant. From that second, there are just about a million things that could go wrong. And then once your baby is here, the chance of complication multiplies. I live my life in fear. Every second of every day, I am afraid of something. And that's a sin.

When I live my life in fear, that means that I don't believe that God is big enough or powerful enough to take care of me. That means that I think that I'm doing life alone. That I'm in charge of my health, my family, my relationships. I'm putting myself in front of God when I live in fear. I think that I have more power than He does.

Now, I obviously know that God is greater than me. I know scripture says it. I've seen His power displayed over and over in my life, but living a life of fear does not display what I believe.

I don't have an answer to fix it, but I'm working on putting God ahead of my fear. Reminding myself that He ultimately is in control of all things. And if He allows one of my fears to occur, then He will still be in control.

My challenge to you would be that as you look at areas of your life where God could be made greater, do not look only at the "public sin." Look at the sin that no one sees. That sin is often greater and more destructive.

Happy October, everyone! Go get yourself a pumpkin!