Two Words You Need to Stop Saying Now
Think about a really bad day that you've had.
Out of the many days and stories that I can think of, Halloween of last year was pretty terrible.
Miss Lola and I were scheduled to fly out to see my family in Dallas. I was already pretty nervous about the flight because the last time Lola and I had been on an airplane she was only 3 months old. She slept basically the whole time. At the time of this flight, Lola was seven months old and crazy active. Still is, but that's beside the point. I had chosen our flight based on her eating and nap schedule to hopefully make it as easy as possible.
On the morning of our flight, we got an email and phone call saying that our flight had been cancelled. Not delayed. Just straight up cancelled. And for our convenience, they put us on a flight at 8:30 at night that had a layover in Chicago before we reached our destination. I don't know about your baby, but my baby goes to sleep around 8:00. And at the time that all of this was going on, she was going to bed at 7:30. An 8:30 flight was going to be miserable for me, Lola, and everyone else on that plane. And I don't do connecting flights with Lola. Well… not right now anyways :)
So… I call American Airlines. And I'm on the phone with them for TWO HOURS trying to explain to them why I could not be on the flight they assigned me to and why we needed to find an alternate solution. All this while taking care of Lola who was in a super mood that day. We finally agree on a flight that is departing from another airport about an hour away, and of course the timing didn't work out to where Joe could take us to the airport like he originally planned.
I was running around like a crazy person! From the time that I got off the phone with them, I had like 42 minutes before I had to leave to get to the airport on time. We drive to the airport, and the whole time Lola just sleeps peacefully. Little angel.
Then it comes. The storm. Huge huge huge clouds form in the sky and rain is pouring down. POURING. I pull into the parking lot of the airport and I'm frantically searching for a spot. There are none. Well, let me clarify. There are spots. In the veeeeeeerrrrrrry back of the parking lot. Which normally would not be a big deal. But it's pouring. I have a baby. And a suitcase. And a backpack. And a diaper bag. So yea - IT'S A BIG DEAL. I call Joe sobbing telling him that he will have to come and pick up my car tonight instead of the next day like we had originally planned because I was going to park in the "2 hour parking" for my sanity.
The flood stops for 5 minutes, so poor Lola and I make a mad dash for the airport. Looking back now, I so wish I would have taken a picture of us with all of our bags.
We rushed in, checked in, got through security, got to our gate, and waited for almost TWO HOURS because our plane was delayed due to the storm. We finally board the plane and Lolacries no, screams the whole way to Dallas.
Real. Fun. Day.
I told that story several times to people in Dallas and when I got back home, and these were some of the responses I received:
At least you were able to get on a flight that same day.
At least you were still able to spend time with your family.
At least it wasn't raining while you were going into the airport.
While all of those statements are true and I'm incredible grateful for each one, do those things completely erase the madness that I had been dealing with all day? That day was incredibly stressful. Frustrating. Exhausting. I felt like everyone that heard my story completely disregarded anything that I had gone through prior to my arrival in Dallas. I was so defeated.
Then I started thinking about how often I say those words to someone else.
At least
"My grandmother is dying of cancer."
"At least you have a lot of memories with her."
"My boyfriend cheated on me with one of my friends."
"At least you have other friends to hang out with."
"I really want to have another baby, but I can't get pregnant."
"At least you already have one child."
You see, what I'm trying to do is move the focus from the negative to a positive, but what I'm actually doing is avoiding dealing with the actual issue. Instead of me unpacking these issues with these people in my life, discovering their true hurts and feelings, I'm trying to take their focus off of something that clearly needs their focus.
Maybe sometimes we don't need to give a positive perspective reality check or an easy cop out of a conversation that may be uncomfortable. Maybe we just need to be real with people. Admit that sometimes life is really hard. And before we just brush things under the rug or completely negate someone's feelings, we deal with it. We deal with the mess and the hurt. Because whether they say it directly or not, people want to be heard. They want their feelings to be known and understood.
When I would tell people about my eventful trip to Dallas, all I wanted was for someone to say, "Woah. That sounds crazy stressful. I can't believe that all of that happened in one day. I'm so glad you're here now." I just wanted someone to acknowledge that the day was hard. I didn't need a medal or standing ovation, because people have difficult days everyday, but I just wanted to be heard.
Hear someone. Meet them where they're at. Acknowledge their feelings. And quit saying at least.
Out of the many days and stories that I can think of, Halloween of last year was pretty terrible.
Miss Lola and I were scheduled to fly out to see my family in Dallas. I was already pretty nervous about the flight because the last time Lola and I had been on an airplane she was only 3 months old. She slept basically the whole time. At the time of this flight, Lola was seven months old and crazy active. Still is, but that's beside the point. I had chosen our flight based on her eating and nap schedule to hopefully make it as easy as possible.
On the morning of our flight, we got an email and phone call saying that our flight had been cancelled. Not delayed. Just straight up cancelled. And for our convenience, they put us on a flight at 8:30 at night that had a layover in Chicago before we reached our destination. I don't know about your baby, but my baby goes to sleep around 8:00. And at the time that all of this was going on, she was going to bed at 7:30. An 8:30 flight was going to be miserable for me, Lola, and everyone else on that plane. And I don't do connecting flights with Lola. Well… not right now anyways :)
So… I call American Airlines. And I'm on the phone with them for TWO HOURS trying to explain to them why I could not be on the flight they assigned me to and why we needed to find an alternate solution. All this while taking care of Lola who was in a super mood that day. We finally agree on a flight that is departing from another airport about an hour away, and of course the timing didn't work out to where Joe could take us to the airport like he originally planned.
I was running around like a crazy person! From the time that I got off the phone with them, I had like 42 minutes before I had to leave to get to the airport on time. We drive to the airport, and the whole time Lola just sleeps peacefully. Little angel.
Then it comes. The storm. Huge huge huge clouds form in the sky and rain is pouring down. POURING. I pull into the parking lot of the airport and I'm frantically searching for a spot. There are none. Well, let me clarify. There are spots. In the veeeeeeerrrrrrry back of the parking lot. Which normally would not be a big deal. But it's pouring. I have a baby. And a suitcase. And a backpack. And a diaper bag. So yea - IT'S A BIG DEAL. I call Joe sobbing telling him that he will have to come and pick up my car tonight instead of the next day like we had originally planned because I was going to park in the "2 hour parking" for my sanity.
The flood stops for 5 minutes, so poor Lola and I make a mad dash for the airport. Looking back now, I so wish I would have taken a picture of us with all of our bags.
We rushed in, checked in, got through security, got to our gate, and waited for almost TWO HOURS because our plane was delayed due to the storm. We finally board the plane and Lola
Real. Fun. Day.
I told that story several times to people in Dallas and when I got back home, and these were some of the responses I received:
At least you were able to get on a flight that same day.
At least you were still able to spend time with your family.
At least it wasn't raining while you were going into the airport.
While all of those statements are true and I'm incredible grateful for each one, do those things completely erase the madness that I had been dealing with all day? That day was incredibly stressful. Frustrating. Exhausting. I felt like everyone that heard my story completely disregarded anything that I had gone through prior to my arrival in Dallas. I was so defeated.
Then I started thinking about how often I say those words to someone else.
At least
"My grandmother is dying of cancer."
"At least you have a lot of memories with her."
"My boyfriend cheated on me with one of my friends."
"At least you have other friends to hang out with."
"I really want to have another baby, but I can't get pregnant."
"At least you already have one child."
You see, what I'm trying to do is move the focus from the negative to a positive, but what I'm actually doing is avoiding dealing with the actual issue. Instead of me unpacking these issues with these people in my life, discovering their true hurts and feelings, I'm trying to take their focus off of something that clearly needs their focus.
Maybe sometimes we don't need to give a positive perspective reality check or an easy cop out of a conversation that may be uncomfortable. Maybe we just need to be real with people. Admit that sometimes life is really hard. And before we just brush things under the rug or completely negate someone's feelings, we deal with it. We deal with the mess and the hurt. Because whether they say it directly or not, people want to be heard. They want their feelings to be known and understood.
When I would tell people about my eventful trip to Dallas, all I wanted was for someone to say, "Woah. That sounds crazy stressful. I can't believe that all of that happened in one day. I'm so glad you're here now." I just wanted someone to acknowledge that the day was hard. I didn't need a medal or standing ovation, because people have difficult days everyday, but I just wanted to be heard.
Hear someone. Meet them where they're at. Acknowledge their feelings. And quit saying at least.
Lindsay - You're completely right! Sometimes, in order to actually be positive and see the silver lining, first you have to face the negative head-on, maybe even wallow in it to "feel your feelings" as I'm prone to say, and only then can you move on. Brilliant insight.
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